A Step to Nowhere Read online

  “I was too proud,” he said. “I didn’t take rejections easily. Especially from those … from the one I had real feelings for. All this time I couldn’t forgive myself. I even got married because the woman looked like you.”

  My God, what is he talking about?

  “I hoped to meet you and change everything, but I didn’t believe I would. Today, when I saw … I don’t know if you can understand me. I told myself that I would not let you go. It didn’t matter if you were married and had kids. I’m telling you now … you can do whatever you want, but I won’t let you go.”

  He said everything I wanted to hear and more. I didn’t believe it really, I didn’t understand how both of us could lie to each other and to ourselves. We had been living five years in different cities, tied to each other with invisible threads, and didn’t realize it. How did it happen? How could people be so stupid and bat-eyed?

  “I’m going to tell you the whole truth,” Ray continued, and I wanted him to stop at this point. Too much, too fast, I could get scared again and run away. “I came here to find you. I know where you work and …”

  He finally stopped.

  “Is that true?” My lips could barely move.

  He slid closer to me. So close that I smelled his shampoo. More closely than ever before. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and crashed there into hundreds of boiling fragments. Even before he touched my cheek with his finger I gave myself to him completely and without reservation. All my essence intertwined with his. He ran his hand through my hair and kept his gaze on my eyes. It wasn’t a dream. I could barely suppress a moan when his lips touched mine. It wasn’t a moan of pleasure, even though that was there too. It was a moan of fantasy turning into reality. There had been no one in my life I wanted more than him. Never in my life had I felt my consciousness turning off after the first kiss. A kiss I had been waiting awaiting for so many years.

  CHAPTER 3

  I didn’t stay for the night even though he had asked. I just couldn’t. I needed to think over the event consciously; I had to make decisions. I went over our conversations, remembered sex, again conversation, again and again. My heart was beating in my throat; I was hot. Sex. Did we really have sex? He and I? My body still felt the touch of his hands, the taste of his lips. I didn’t think it would ever happen; I didn’t think there would be any level of intimacy between us. Only in my dreams, in my fantasies, I had found myself in his embrace. I wanted him to feel the same, but I didn’t know he had. We had been fools. All this time we could have been together. He wouldn’t have gone through a soul-crushing marriage, I …

  “Oh, my gosh; Jason!”

  I hadn’t even thought about him. Only now, with the thought of the guy who had been waiting for my call, I came back to reality and realized that it was still raining outside, I was behind the wheel of the car, and it was miracle I hadn’t gotten into an accident. Jason. Oh, I’m horrible!

  I dug in my bag with my right hand, holding the wheel with my left, pulled out my cell phone that I had turned off in the bathroom of Ray’s friend’s house, and checked the voicemail. He had called once. He asked when I was going to be home and if he should come tonight or tomorrow.

  I didn’t want to call back, didn’t want to ruin the vacuum of euphoria I was in. Yes, I was madly in love, but it didn’t erase my responsibility for another person’s feelings. I lied to myself, I lied to Jason. Of course I had never told him that I loved him. He was angry about that; he slammed the door leaving, but he always came back. He was a good guy: responsible, kind, and no doubt he was in love with me. He didn’t hide his feelings and I tuned in on his wave; I followed him, and sometimes I believed that I loved him too. I even weighed an option to marry him. He talked about it multiple times. I hadn’t answered, ignored his hints, but I was sure that one day I would be ready to tell him “yes”. I had heard so many times that in a marriage, one person always loved more than the other. I had even heard an opinion that families where a man loved a woman more were the happiest and the strongest. Of course I had heard a lot of versions that had been completely opposite to these. Probably some people owned recipes for happy marriages; I just wanted to forget. I wanted to stop dreaming and live for today, without looking back.

  What was going to happen now?

  I sighed and forced myself dial Jason’s number.

  “Hi, babe! How are you?”

  “I’m driving back from work.” My voice didn’t tremble. I was a bad, bad girl. I didn’t even know I was that bad.

  “Wow! It’s late. Tired?”

  “A little.”

  “I can come over and massage your back.” His voice became intimate.

  “I’m afraid I’d fall asleep before you could even lock the door of your apartment. Tomorrow I have to wake up early again. Deadline you know.” At least I didn’t have to lie here.

  There was a sigh in the phone.

  “Sorry,” I said. I felt like scum, but I couldn’t see him now, I didn’t have the right. I didn’t have a right to tell him the truth now either.

  “See you on the weekend then.”

  “Yes,” I said, planning to meet him for sure. I didn’t know that somebody else was planning my days for me. I didn’t have a right to not meet him, to not explain. He deserved that much; it was due a long time ago. “See you Saturday.”

  “Drive carefully, babe. It’s raining like crazy.”

  “Sure.”

  I turned the phone off and threw it in the opened bag.

  I’m such a bitch.

  How could I do this to the person who loved me? Maybe it was better than lying to him for the rest of our lives. He could find another woman. One who would be sincere in her feelings toward him. He was a great person; he deserved to be treated fairly. On the other hand … Ray hadn’t promised anything. What if he was lying?

  No, he wasn’t. His every word was permeated with the painful truth. He had lived through what he told me. He needed me.

  I remembered the day when I saw him for the first time. I had come to apply for a job. He held a second and last interview with me. As soon as I had entered the office, as soon as I had seen his brown eyes and open smile, I wanted him. Yes, it was primal, animal instinct. Some would say that it was immoral to think like that. Well, what could I do? That was the truth. At that moment Ray seemed to be perfect. Power, confidence, and intellect had been radiating from him before he started to talk. At my previous job I’d had an unpleasant encounter with my co-worker and that was why I quit. So I didn’t show any emotions to Ray in any way. Work and personal relationships didn’t fit together. I had ignored any interest from him to me. It came in the form of invitations to restaurants to “talk business”, flowers for successful projects, and compliments of course, in regards to my excellent performance. After about two months of my working in his company, he had invited me to his house to discuss a new project.

  “We can discuss it here,” I said without hesitation.

  He looked at me for a few seconds before agreeing that it was a good idea. Then I found out from one of my co-workers that Ray was dating a woman in our building, but from a different company. A week or two later I had learned that he was a dog who had managed to date a good part of the women working in the building. I didn’t know if it was the truth or not, but I didn’t plan to clear it up. I had known one thing for sure; I was not going to be another name on the list, I wasn’t going to be one of them. So, I had forgotten about my bad experience at the previous job and started talking with other guys more. I dated one of them. Well, it was a two date adventure, but still, I could switch my attention from my new boss to somebody else for a while. In spite of that, my attraction to Ray became obsession in a short period of time. I had to see him constantly. I just wanted to see him, that’s all. Feel his energy. I noticed everything he would do or say. I also noticed his glances in my direction when my dialogs with some guys went beyond work issues. I thought he didn’t like it. It seemed he was jealous. But, it was proba
bly because I just wanted him to feel that. How could I know what was going on in his head? I couldn’t read his mind.

  One day we stayed in the office late, just the two of us. It wasn’t planned, but pure accident; I thought at first. The time was hectic, before Christmas, and I rushed to finish an episode for the show before the holidays. Everyone had left, including Ray. Then he returned because he had forgotten his phone. The building was quiet and I almost peed in my pants from fear when he soundlessly entered the office. It was a cold winter in Chicago and he had been wearing a long black coat, a gray scarf around his neck; his hair was disheveled.

  “You spooked me!” I said.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, stopping by the door.

  “Having fun. You?”

  Relationships in our company weren’t typical employer—employee. He let himself go on one level with us to a certain extent and then became authoritative if somebody didn’t take him seriously, for example because of his age. He was younger than half of us.

  “I forgot my phone,” he said, searching the tables.

  “Did you check your office?”

  “You think I’m an idiot?”

  “I wouldn’t dare Mr. Boss.”

  I picked up my phone, dialed his number, and ringing came from the couch in a coffee area. Yes, our boss was stealing our coffee, what a jerk. He would come here from his office, sit on the couch, and ask for coffee because he was tired. Because he wanted us to take care of him. Our team was small, young and creative. The rules that applied to big firms didn’t go well with us. The atmosphere in our company was often informal and friendly. If everyone did their job Ray was fine with it and joined us happily.

  Now he went to the couch, grabbed his phone, and sat down.

  “If you’re going to breathe down my neck I’ll never finish,” I said, pointing to the computer.

  “It’s dark outside, the building’s empty. As a responsible person I must make sure that you have gotten to your car safely.”

  “I don’t remember any criminal attacks in our building.”

  “They keep it a secret to avoid panic.”

  “I should have guessed.”

  “Are you hungry?” he asked. “Let’s order pizza.”

  “Why? You want to poison me?”

  “It’s almost Christmas; I’m kind … I can poison you later.”

  I rolled my eyes. I was actually very hungry and there was still about two hours of work.”

  “You can order it.” I shrugged.

  He called “Pizza Hut” and went downstairs to await delivery while I was working. No outsiders were allowed in the building after certain hours.

  I couldn’t work while I was waiting for him. My hands were sweating, there was banging in my ears. I remembered a short episode from a couple of hours ago and realized that he had left his phone deliberately. He’s such a scumbag, I thought. He thinks I’m going to give in. I’m probably the only one on his list not checked. Well, his effort will be in vain. Smile, brown eyes, long eyelashes, charisma, who cares? I’m not easy. I’m not the others.

  When he entered the office with the box of pizza and a smile, my hands were shaking and I couldn’t smile back due to the tension.

  “Are you okay?” Ray stopped in the middle of the room.

  “Yeah; I’m tired. You dropped so much work on me and dare to ask?”

  “Let’s go eat, then.”

  I went as a cow to a slaughter. It wasn’t the best comparison, but that was how I felt. Like I didn’t have a choice and gave myself up to a butcher. I sat down on the couch and ordered myself to not notice the smell of his cologne that drove me crazy and turned my extremities into jelly.

  Ray opened the box.

  “It’s hot.”

  I nodded, stared at the pizza, but noticed his every gesture. Everything inside me was burning. I wanted so much for him to turn me to him, kiss me, break me, deprive me of the opportunity to resist.

  “Sam?”

  “Yes,” my gaze was in the box, but I didn’t see anything. In a daze, I waited for his hands, his touch.

  “You know what I think about you, right?”

  “Sure.” A smirk. “You hate me.”

  He smiled. Raised his hand. Put a lock of my hair behind my ear. Casual gesture. Not enough to file a sexual harassment suit. My back turned to metal. God, I wanted him so much at that moment. Then I remembered a girl … well, a young woman in our company. I remembered her looking at him like a silly hen. I remembered talk, gossip; something about Ray dating her, but he didn’t want a serious relationship. Something like that. She couldn’t let him go. She made scenes, making a fool of herself. No. That was not going to happen to me. I would not let anyone turn me into an idiot or manipulate me. I would not let anyone make me fall in love.

  I fell against the back of the couch and grabbed a piece of pizza.

  “So hungry,” I said, biting into it.

  I noticed disappointment on his face, but it disappeared momentarily. The pain in my chest from extinguished desire was titanic; I almost moaned. Only, I smiled. And ate pizza. We both ate and talked about anything else, but not us.

  Yes, I was such an idiot five years ago. I was twenty four.

  I parked and went to my apartment on autopilot. I was surprised to discover myself in my bedroom. I thought this night I was going to suffer from insomnia, but as soon as I got into bed I had fallen asleep. I fell asleep, to be awakened in the morning by a phone call.

  CHAPTER 4

  Ray put the empty cups into the dishwasher and found a clean glass. He tossed in a few pieces of ice from the freezer and poured Bourbon over it, and then went to the living room where he stopped by the window. Rain drummed on the windowpane; cars like smeared watercolor spots, swam by on the road below. It was going to be sunny by tomorrow afternoon and the air would be clean, infused with ozone. He liked this city. He could easily imagine himself living here, even though there was a huge difference between here and there. He could leave business there to his trusted people, checking their work from time to time, while getting lost here. He could stop thinking about problems, about happenings, about horrors that had been lasting for years, and stop thinking about responsibility. He could stop thinking about all of it and just live. Just love, just eat, just sip this strange drink.

  Ray shook the glass, listening to the quiet knock of the ice cubes, and took a sip. Liquid burned his throat, slid down to his stomach. Bourbon.

  “Bour-bon.” He rolled the word like a pebble in his mouth. “I like it.”

  He sat on the couch and grabbed a long, light-colored strand of hair from the surface, with his fingers.

  She loved him, she really did. He realized that after the first few seconds, when she had turned to him and looked into his eyes. If his wife had only looked at him like that, even once. Probably that was why everything had happened. He didn’t plan it, but everything he had told her was the truth. That was what he felt and that was what he wanted. She believed his every word. She …

  “If only my wife were like that.”

  He loved his wife; that was the problem. Because of this love, he took steps for which he forgave himself only because he had known why he had been doing it. His wife wasn’t like Sam. They were two different people, no matter how much they had looked alike. He didn’t expect this passion, this trust, this dedication. Sam was so vulnerable, so eager, and so selfless. It meant she had been waiting for him all this time. It was such luck that he was correct. It was such luck that no one made a mistake.

  Ray chuckled.

  “Was it luck?”

  He took another sip of his drink, slipped a piece of ice into his mouth and rolled it with his tongue over his palate. It was time to go to bed and tomorrow he would decide what to do next.

  He finished his whisky, put the empty glass with half melted ice on the table, and ran his finger along its rim. His mother asked about the glasses; he had to grab one to bring with him.

 
Before going to the bedroom Ray twisted a cell phone in his hand. He wanted to hear her voice, or even better, he wanted her beside him.

  “It’s not right,” he said as he threw the phone on the couch. “All of it is not right.”

  CHAPTER 5

  I hadn’t woken completely, but rushed to the living room, tangling in my own legs. It was him. I pulled the phone out of my bag and pressed it to my ear. The phone rang one more time before it fell silent.

  I looked at the black screen. He hadn’t called. Not him. Not Ray. It was the phone I’d found on the ground. A stranger lost it. I picked up the jacket I had dropped on the back of the chair and found a flat, blue device. I didn’t like this style; I liked to feel at least some weight in my hand. Jason gave me an iPhone four months ago for our second anniversary, because my old one fell in the water. The new phone had only a touch screen and I hated trying to fit my fingers on the sensitive buttons. A week of irritation and cursing before my new, expensive phone landed in the bathtub. I had gone to the store myself and had gotten a touch screen plus a full keyboard BlackBerry.

  The name of the caller appeared on the screen. Only the name was strange; “2”. Who would call their friends by numbers? Or family members? Actually, if you thought about it, why not? Just remember who you hid under the number. You would know who had called, but curious and accidental people like me stayed uninformed. It was a good idea. I could number some of my friends and my mom would not ask too many questions when checking my phone again “by mistake”. Or Jason. He considered it normal to take my phone and go through my calls. Would he ask what the numbers were? Or … would I see him again? Of course, this weekend. Only, he wouldn’t have a chance to check my calls.